Have you ever replayed a mistake in your mind long after it happened? Maybe you’ve gone over a conversation again and again, wondered if you said the wrong thing, or found yourself imagining everything that could go wrong. Getting stuck in these thought patterns can be exhausting, and this is where rumination comes in. Rumination is an important word when it comes to anxiety.
Rumination and worry are forms of repetitive negative thinking: thoughts about problems or negative experiences that keep coming back, are difficult to disengage from, and take up mental space without feeling productive. These patterns can play a role in anxiety, depression and other mental health conditions (Ehring, 2021).
Many of us experience this from time to time. We might replay something we regret, analyze a conversation, or imagine something bad happening in the future. And sometimes, there’s another layer: we start judging ourselves for thinking this way in the first place.
This is where acceptance and self-compassion can offer a way forward.
Acceptance does not mean approval
Oftentimes when I talk to clients about the concept of acceptance, especially in regard to something they’re anxious about, or even having an anxiety disorder, something that comes up is that they don’t like it. When we talk about acceptance, especially in the context of anxiety, it’s understandable to have some resistance.
This makes a lot of sense. They don’t like feeling anxious. They find it uncomfortable, unfair or unreasonable. They don’t like the idea of dealing with anxiety for the foreseeable future. They don’t like the possibility of something bad happening, or that they made a mistake in the past that they regret and now can’t change.
So if something feels unacceptable, why would we want to accept it?That reaction is understandable. But acceptance does not mean approval.
We don’t have to like something to accept that it is happening to us. Acceptance means making room for our experience without spending all of our energy fighting against the fact that it exists. Acceptance can help us respond to difficult thoughts and emotions in ways that are more consistent with what matters to us (Association for Contextual Behavioral Science).
It might sound like: “I’m feeling anxious right now. I don’t like it, but I don’t have to fight the fact that it’s here.”
Accepting that you feel afraid does not mean agreeing that the thing you fear will happen. And accepting how you feel today does not mean deciding you will always feel this way.
We can’t change the past or make the future certain. We also can’t always choose which feelings show up. But we can practice how we respond to them.
Part of that practice is noticing the negative thoughts about ourselves that can come with anxiety: “I’m weak,” “I’m broken,” “I’m always going to be this way,” or “I need to just get over this.” We can notice these thoughts without automatically treating them as facts (Association for Contextual Behavioral Science).
Responding with self-compassion
Self-acceptance is honest and open about our reality. Self-compassion is how we respond to that reality.
We can respond by being critical, unkind and dismissive of ourselves and our experiences. Or we can practice responding with care. But what if we tried something different?
Self-compassion means meeting ourselves where we are. It means showing ourselves grace, even when we feel like we don’t deserve it, and offering ourselves the kindness we would show a friend. It means trying to understand ourselves, even when we feel impatient and frustrated with ourselves in this moment.
Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion identifies three important elements: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Together, these remind us that difficult emotions are part of being human, and that struggling does not mean there is something wrong with us (Neff, “What Is Self-Compassion?”).
This kind of work is hard. It often goes against how we’ve talked to ourselves and thought about ourselves for years, sometimes our whole lives. We can be pretty hard on ourselves. Practicing a gentler response takes time, but it can also bring some relief when we’re anxious or upset. We can begin with something simple: “This is hard right now, and I can show myself some kindness while I’m going through it.”
How therapy can help
When we notice ourselves caught in rumination or worry, we can practice acknowledging the anxiety that is present and responding to ourselves with kindness. This isn’t always easy, and it often takes support.
Therapy can offer a space to put words to slow down, understand the patterns that keep you stuck, and develop new ways of responding to difficult thoughts and emotions. That might include learning to come back to the present, step back from repetitive thoughts and care for yourself during difficult moments.
Acceptance and self-compassion offer a brave, kind way to live with yourself and care for yourself in the midst of anxiety. You don’t have to figure out that practice alone.
Contact us to learn more about how therapy can support you.
References
Ehring, T. (2021). Thinking too much: Rumination and psychopathology. World Psychiatry, 20(3), 441–442.
Association for Contextual Behavioral Science. (n.d.). The six core processes of ACT.
Neff, K. (n.d.). What is self-compassion?
